Right back into the swing of things....

Hi!
I cannot believe that I have not written in weeks. I have been back home for a month now and it is rolling right on by me. I am still sitting, but hardly at all. Something I intend on changing immediately.
I am amazed at how fast we live our lives. I am having a very difficult time keeping up with all of my commitments.
I have stopped:
exercising
taking vitamins
journaling
juicing
resting
walking
and almost sitting
all in the last two to four weeks.

I have been overwhelmed and sucked in by the demands of my life...
managing :
all my appointments
the store
the finances
the offices
employees
my relationship (barely)
the house

How do we as women do it all?
I have to STOP and re-group and re-arrange some things here.

I keep falling into the throes of my mind.

I have however managed to:
at least sit, some of the time
keep my mouth shut more often
remain present a lot more
go for a few long walks with HH
LOVE hairdressing again and turn out some a#* kicking hair as of late
glitter and sparkle
journal a bit
love my obstacles more
run to a few of my aversions
withstand a personal heartbreak, regarding my daughter, gracefully

anyway, my point is that it hasn't been all failures and mishaps since returning home. I still get a tremendous payback daily from my experience at Upaya. It keeps unfolding.

I hooked up with my Seattle roommate for a dinner and Zen gab fest...heaven I tell you, to see her again was a slice of pure heaven.
Plus, another one of my Upaya Buddha fairies is moving to Seattle and will be rooming with my sister for a while. I am so excited to see her and welcome her to Seattle.

So, here I am right back into the swing of things. I do however know better and wake up every day with a grateful heart and a determined will to live fully and laugh much. I see the beauty in life a lot more. I miss Upaya SOOOO MUCH, ( can you believe it?) and I look foward to returning soon one day and bringing my little sis, and HH too!

I promise I will write more often. I have loved re-reading my blog...it keeps things alive for me and I hope it makes a difference for you.

Peace, love and glitter,
lotus girl

Home Sweet Home

I have been home now for a couple of weeks...gosh that cannot be right. I returned a different human being, for the better I might add. It will be hard to try and capture what happened to me at the magical land of Upaya filled with all the Buddah-fairies. I can say that I am much more aware of life and that I am much more ok in my life than before.
When I first got home things seemed so loud.
I am still sitting although not as often and of course not in the luxury of Upaya's zendo....but I am still dropping in on myself....

There is much more that I plan to write but for now I just wanted to check in and let you know that I am working my way back in to the mainstream of things.
Oh yeah...I bought a pair of Birkenstocks....in honor of my Zen-makeover. In my defense they are silver with three rhinestone buckles on each one....
Shine baby shine.....in so many new ways.
I bow to you in love,
lotus girl

One person can and does make a difference

I had the most amazing experience yesterday. There is a woman here who is a very talented artist. I am going to cut her hair. I have cut almost everyone of the residents hair here at Upaya.
I decided to do it as a gift to them. Turns out they love to talk about hair and I have even given two of them manicures...people are people, wherever you go. It actually was a huge gift to myself...I love being a generous person.

Anyway the woman who is the artist is from Germany...I'll call her Germany. So Germany wanted to give me a tarot card reading in exchange for her haircut. One evening I go to her room for this reading and she shows me her art...her amazing art. I say, "Germany, why don't you sell this art to these woman at the retreat?" She tells me how the featured artist at the retreat doesn't want to share the spotlight...so I say "let's sell them out back rather than in the front...away from the other uptight artist.."...I liked Germany's art better anyway.
Well one things leads to another and we set up a very informal showing. At the last morning of the retreat I make an announcement to the group to come to our show.
Of course the women flock to see her art and she sells way over a grand's worth....with invitations to come visit some of these women in their states and have shows for their friends. (Don't worry she is coming to Seattle for all you guys). Germany is so happy, as these residents live on as little as $250 a month and because people LOVE her art...plus she gets the experience of herself...a beautiful thing to see. And two other residents have some beautiful calligraphy and wood work that they will start to sell now.
Now check out what happens...as I am collecting a check from a young woman that is buying a piece of Germany's art I say to her " I like your bracelet. There is something to be said for simplicity." It was a very simple beautiful gold cuff. She thanks me and goes on to write the check out. When she hands me the check she also hands me the bracelet and insists that I take it as a gift from her. I was, and am floored. I told her that she makes me want to be a better person. I am moved to tears by her gesture as we were strangers to one another. Not anymore though. When I get home I am mailing her a big box of girlie girl stuff from our store as a way of saying thank you. I will never forget what her kindness made me feel. Can you believe her generousity? It has had me look to see"where can I give more?". She made a huge difference for me.

I am also in negotiations to bring my LS, (nails and skin) and my daughter (make up) out to MAKE-OVER the next women's retreat....some one has to handle the toe funk, bad hair and over all denial of self love that we women are so famous for...
Please if you are reading this do something wonderful for your body this week. Uncover and own your beauty...get down off of the cross...and for Buddha's sake book a mani and a pedi!

Next golden nugget that I have to offer...rent and watch the movie "THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY". It is a true story that will blow your mind. Seriously. BTW it is subtitled, as it is in French but please do not miss the message because of that.

I am going to a natural hot spring today with some of the girls here...as my time to leave is nearing and they wanted to take me out for a special day. (Sweet huh ) I am excited....I have come to love them and I will really miss them...but we "leave a piece of one another behind", as they will always be with me.

Enjoy your day today. Look to see where you can make a difference for someone. I promise you will be filled up and overflow with joy and it is such a "high". And I believe this is how the change that we all want to see in the world will come about.

I bow to you in love and light,
lotus girl

I am okay just as I am and so are you....unless you rock toe funk.

Okay...so I am looking at "did I get what I need from this experience?", and I would have to say yes I did. I got that and much more in actuality. All said and done I think I arrived at I am all good just as I am. Sure, the sits are a way of getting in touch with myself, watching my thoughts, allowing myself to rest. Fundamentally though I would have to say that I subscribe to Byron Katie...read all three of her books...AMAZING....the Course in Miracles, and of course God, (you can apply whatever name you are most comfortable with here, but for me it is and always will be God.)

I really love the sits...except with this women's retreat... They are loud and they move around a lot during the zazen. Plus the cushions are sooo close to one another that I cannot deal. I am not into big women's groups..I prefer the small and intimate or the one on one.
This occurs way more like a hippie fest to me than anything else. Birkenstocks, gray unkempt hair, toe funk, dry skin, make up free full on expression. Some of them talk really s-l-o-w and soft...it drives me crazy. And someone is always crying. They leave today and I could not be happier.

There are some people here that I have connected with and will stay in touch and then there are some people here that I cannot wait to say goodbye too.
There is a "priest" here who runs a group called "METTA". It is for people with diseases...like cancer. I asked her twice to join the group and twice she put me off...nice huh, very priestly of her. Right now she is in the kitchen and it is very early...people sleeping all around...and she is so ignorantly loud. I want to say something so badly, but this is my practice.
KEEP QUIET.....
She is one of the most unfriendly people I have met here. Sad, huh? I think she must be in a lot of pain. She has all these dietary restrictions yet yesterday I see her hoovering the chocolate covered strawberries like no end. Life is full of contradictions huh?

They best thing about the trip is that it is almost over and I am alomost home! HOO-f&^%$#@-rah!!!!! I have come to realize that cancer or not, chubby or not, hair falling out or not, I am really a very lucky and loved girl.
I have the world's most amazing husband...and my family is beyond extraordinary...even with all the drama and all the flaws I would not trade them for the world. And those of you that are my clients and friends make my life even more amazing. You are like the preverbial cherry on top. Thank you for choosing to be in my life.

Okay I have to go cause one of the women's retreat participant's is evil eying me for the computer...I wnat to be a f-u but I am Zen now....

peace, love, light and glitter
lotus girl

Put on a pretty pair of shoes for Buddha's sake!

So the women's retreat began last night. It began with a Dharma talk given by Roshi. She started the talk by asking us to take a look at the word"power".
Then she introduced the facilitators that would be leading the five day retreat with her.
There was a woman that stood up and was introduced as a facilitator...I cannot remember her name and there is no accident there let me tell you! The only reason I would want to know her name is so that I could avoid her like the plague for the rest of my life.
Anyway, this woman stood up and just started W-H-I-N-I-N-G about the world. Her "oh whoa is us...we are so screwed...the gas prices...etc. etc. seemed to be a DIRECT CONTRAST to power in my judgement. Her voice made me want to suffocate myself in the bowl of stinky incense ashes that lucky me was sitting next to.
To make matters worse, (yes it did get worse, hard to imagine huh?) she was a poet that wrote and read a poem dedicated to Roshi....I really did consider faking passing out cause being trapped and forced to listen to her was PAINFUL!!!!!!!

I tell you this has been such an enlightening trip so far....

Next, one of the residents here was telling me how Roshi told her that it is not good to be honest all the time...(can you imagine?). Yet during the talk Roshi specifically stated that the most important aspect to power was honesty. This resident was truly confused and saddened.
A lot of the residents here do not like Roshi and just about everyone here talks smack....
We are all the same. People are people wherever you go...even at a Zen center. One thing is clear though...gossip doesn't work in moving anything forward and I am really looking at how much I participate in it and why, how about you?

Finally, there are about 100 women here and I swear to Buddha that they have managed to wear the 100 most ugly pairs of shoes in the world. Why oh why does the enlightened path have to be so dark and desolate when it comes to having good taste? A women's retreat that is based on the power of the feminine has every woman wearing footwear about as feminine as a US Army combat boot. Do Not even get me started on the toe funk.....I just cannot go there.

When I come home, right after I get a pedi from little sis, I am wearing high heels for a month straight, no sh%&!

Big Kiss...

I've discovered a glitter I never knew existed...imagine my excitement

I will be home soon and I must say that I am specifically different returning to you.
It is difficult to explain the differences.
Last night a young man left Upaya. He had been here as a Resident, which means he lived here for a year. It happened to be the 19th year of his life. Can you imagine living here from 19 to 20?...3 sits daily...so much silence. It is a beautiful thing. Anyway, the Resident body, and Roshi all took him out to a farewell dinner, and they invited me to go along.
As dinner came to close everyone took their turn at acknowledging this young man. Including me.
The residents had many beautiful things to say to him with regard to his growth over the past year. It was clear that a deep love had developed with all of them during the course of the year.
Watching he and Roshi hug goodbye for the last time was like seeing into the eyes of pure love...no joke. I admire and respect Roshi more than words could ever express. It is in her space that the creation of Uapaya happened. It was told to me that she has a saying, "Soft Front, Strong Back." Clearly she lives it.
Later, I asked one of the Residents, "How do you endure these intense goodbyes?" and she relplied, "They always leave a piece of themselves here."

During this dinner at least six people asked me to stay longer, and to promise to come back. As dinner was going on I looked up at the long table filled with now familiar faces to me and was moved to tears. I was asked to come back and celebrate my Five year break-up date with Cancer. They assured me that they would throw a "big party" for me...in honor of my health.
They must have thanked me a million times for the haircuts that I had given them...I have never seen gratitude more raw.
As the evening unfolded two things occurred to me. First, on my daily walks into town I inevitably passed a Upaya member driving by me. They would always smile and wave big to acknowledge me. Funny, I thought how I am so far away from my home, yet people recognize me on the street and make it a point to wave. I have community. Secondly, as I looked into these faces surrounding the table I realized that my family is far bigger than I had ever imagined. You can only wonder at my surprise at this thought given my many judgements since coming here, and truth be told, always. I now understand "there is no seperation" like an experience.

It was a warm and wonderful evening filled with laughter and love and acknowledgement for one another. I have not felt this rich and peaceful in a very long time.

This morning I got to awake slowly as it is my day off. I reached for "A COURSE IN MIRACLES" and ask God to show me what I need to see. I opened the book to a lesson called
"Attainment of the Real World".

here is a piece of that passage...

"Sit quietly and look upon the world you see, and tell yourself, "The real world is not like this...It is not lit with artificial light, and night comes not upon it. There is no day that brightens and grows dim. There is no loss. Nothing is there but shines, and shines forever".

That is when I realized that Upaya has lead me to discover a glitter that I had not yet come upon in my life. That it had given me a small glimpse into the real world. In it's comparison, all other glitters seem just a bit dull.

See what I mean about the changes being difficult to explain?

May peace be below you, may peace be above you, may peace be around you.
lotus girl.

My Breath, My Gratitude

I was in zazen (meditation) this morning and Roshi (the priest) was guiding us. Normally this does not happen but there is a retreat here on Death and Dying, (how perfect for me and my death obsession huh?). Anyway she said something that I thought was profound and very powerful.
During the meditation she was bringing our attention to our breath and she said" Notice your breath, your life hinges on it. Be with it. " I thought to myself WOW she is so right, my life does hinge on it.
In all the years, (and there have been many) that I have kept a gratitude journal I never once wrote an entry that I was grateful for my breath. During my sit I said a prayer of gratitude for my breath, the breath of my HH, my son, his girlfriend, my daughter, her boyfriend, my sister, her boyfriend, my brother, my father, and all of you. Without our breath this life would not be possible. And a glorious life it is.

Then I came across the following with regard to thought.(feelings)...(check out yesterday's entry) this is from the book "How to Solve Our Human Problems" ( this book is available at the Buddhist temple in Ballard BTW)

" When we identify with our feelings we make them bigger and more solid than what they are"

Nik, that was especially for you.... the "pressure" you spoke of the other day is nothing more than a feeling...a thought. It is NOT who you are. When you can separate yourself from it you will begin to gain and then master power over it. You begin to separate yourself by sitting daily. Hopefully we can share this practice when I come home.

Finally, one of my roommates is a hospice worker that does in-home and facility care for the sick and dying. She was sharing with me how she does this work from a rather selfish point of view. I ask her what she meant by that and she said " the dying see far more clearly that the living."
I ask if she could give me an example of what she meant. She told me the story of a man that had no legs, and who was arthritic. She said his hands were curled up into balls. One day when she went to visit him he was sitting looking out of the window. She ask him what he was looking at, and he replied, "The clouds. Have you ever really looked at the clouds?, I wish I could paint them. " Turns out he was an artist. He no longer had the use of his hands. He shared with her that he never thought his life would end up like it did...basically a torso, living in assisted care, all alone. Yet he sang a song for her... had a gift to give, shared himself from his heart.
In reality he was a lot more of a human being than most...even some of Zen-experts I have met here, (more on that later).
I ask that the next time you look up at the clouds, offer up a prayer for our brother the artist with the big heart.

I bow to you in gratitude,
lotus girl

just sittin' back watching myself...

Okay, I am in a much better frame of mind today...however my thoughts about personal hygiene in the last post still stand.

I am finished with the work practice (samu) for the day...today it was dishes. And when I say dishes I mean dishes...for 70 people. I was so tired this morning I did not want to go to zazen, but off I went. (see Nik everyone has to do things that they do not want to do, but in doing them, in keeping one's word, character is built, integrity is lived, life is better.)

My hands are whooped...I cannot wait to get off of this mountain. I miss ALL of the luxuries I have at home. However, the trade off has been worth it. I learned something about myself yesterday. Through all this meditation I have finally learned to just "sit" back and watch myself. I no longer am acting out, or indulging, every thought. If I were I would have left this place ten seconds after having arrived. I am even doing better with the changes in my hair and body.
I believe that I understand why Jeanine...my healer and angel told me that if I came here I would never have to worry about my health again. The things about one's thoughts is that they are either remembering the past or planning or freaking out about the future. NOW, THIS MOMENT is where it is at baby...that's all she wrote, that is all she ever wrote.
That said, I still am very judgemental....I like this person, I do not like that person. Upaya would be more efficient if it ran this way instead of that way, yuck, dirty feet...who does she think she is? I am sooo glad I am not her, thank Buddha I never wanted to be a hippie girl. Please for God's sake and mine, ( and probably poor Buddha's too) put out that stinky incense...( little sister you would pass out...they burn it every where here and I cannot stand it. I hope I can get the smell off of me before coming home.I thought I was going to pass out from it in this early ass morning's meditation...of course it blew right over to my nauseated nostrils...I still can't believe I didn't hurl all over Roshi ( the priest) herself.) and lastly, but for sure not the least...get some sparkles and glitter going on around this dreary, dry place.
Most of those judgements I do believe I am perfectly right about...hey, I never said I was perfect yet.
Okay , I am off to go for my daily run/hike. Can't wait to see your smiling faces.....but in the meantime all I have is now.

Much love and many sparkles to you,
lotus girl

What's up with the self-rightousness dirty girls here?

Today I am just making this whole place wrong, wrong, wrong! I really no longer want to be here.
I am so over the righteousness of the dirty girls here. There is a retreat going on here for caregivers of the dying, and I have never seen such FUNKY, DIRTY, NASTY TOES! Why is it women deny themselves the simplest things in life like good hygiene. I do not understand how one can care for anyone if one's personal hygiene is funk!
Plus there is this covert make wrong of any one that has money...like one girl said " I don't like the culture of Santa Fe, all the money..."
What the f&*^ is wrong with money. Not like it is my god or anything but I like money, I like having money, I love the thought of having more money than I could ever spend in a lifetime...cause then I could really make a difference in the world...plus buy whatever my little glittery heart desired. What is so WRONG with that?
In addition, I had work practice with a gay Buddhist priest ( translation shaved head) and a woman that has had a breast removed and passed on reconstruction. She said to me "Oh your the hair lady" and I said yes...the conversation then progressed to how she lost her hair during chemo and could not understand why women are so attached. She is not even attached to her breasts as she is not defined by them.
I kept my mouth shut....
WHATEVER! I feel for any woman that has to loose either her hair or her breast.....I get the attachment.
This woman actually lead groups for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. No friggin' wonder I have never gone to a group like that.
God help me... time can't fly fast enough for me.

deep in the mud,
lotus girl

Dharma Talks...

A Dharma talk is when we sit around and have a conversation that takes a look at a Zen way of being so to speak...teachings on the path so to speak.
Last night was my first and it started with the following poem:
Saint Francis And The Sow
by Galway Kinnel

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self blessing;
as St. Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of
the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from all fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.


Beautiful huh? But more importantly the message of self- blessing is such a necessary one in our world today. Something that we could all use a bit more of in this world.
The commitment to deep self acceptance...to "reteach a thing its loveliness" even if that thing is oneself.

Here are a couple of other pearls:

• One cannot reteach a thing its loveliness if one is trying to change them.
• A soul or heart will not open in the face of judgement.
• Love expands, but we as humans contract ( to remain safe even though it is an illusion), and then try and protect the contraction...this only proves to keep us separate from one another.
• Love the obstacles in your life. Love the thing that is hurting you. It has a fragrance of the truth in it.

Well that is what I got out of my day so far....how you doing?

I would even go as far as to say that the above could qualify as sparkles and glitter...wouldn't you?

Be kind to yourselves today...practice self-blessing.

I bow to you in love and acceptance,
lotus girl

P.S. I know I may sound different ( a bit) to my friends and family...but I promise I am not coming home with a shaved head, wearing a robe, and chanting. However, I do think I am coming home different, having arisen from down in the mud...transformed into a sparkling lotus flower...God and Buddha willing. Big ass smooch to you all.

Nothing Like a Mentor...

I think everyone needs someone that they can look up to and go to for coaching, whether it be professional or personal. My someone was the infamous hairdresser, John Sahag, until June of 2005 when he passed away from brain cancer.

My hottie husband's mentor is Dwight Miller. Dwight was John's best friend, and his mentor as well.
Dwight lives here in Santa Fe and I just spent the last two days with him.
I got a rock star haircut...which makes me feel pretty again, and not quite so bad about how it has fallen out and changed. I also got the opportunity to hang out with him and hear all the stories about back in the day. He has been hairdressing for 44 years and "loves it more now than ever".
He was a delightful and charming host. He showed me a lot of Santa Fe, and it felt wonderful to be connected to the world again.

More than that though, I have fallen in love with my profession all over again. I have been cutting hair here at my Zen-get away for some of the residents. It is amazing how much everyone loves hairdressers. They have had so many questions, and pure delight in the results.
It is really wonderful to feel like you are contributing to another human being. I think it is the stuff that the juice of life is made of.

So tomorrow marks the end of week two, (Oh fu#&ing YEAH!!! ) and here is my list of what I have learned thus far...

1. There are things we MUST do in this life in order to maintain one's integrity...i.e. swallow handful of vitamins, exercise, eat well rather than eat what one desires... etc. etc. I figure I might as well enjoy these activities rather than suffer( self imposed) thru them.
2. I have really taken way more for granted in my life than I had originally thought. For example, since being here I have not had a car. I have had to walk everywhere... It was on one of these LONG A#% walks that the thought occurred to me that I really take for granted having a car. In addition, I realized that I have taken the quality of my life for granted for a very long time. Little things, like being able to leave your shampoo in the bathroom, not having to wirte your name on everything that you put in the refrigerator, sleeping in, or sleeping in a room where 6 other people do not walk through ALL NIGHT LONG!!!
3. My husband is truly one in a million and I am the luckiest girl on the planet that he chose me to be his wife. I miss his kisses and company so much and I will never choose T. V. over time with him again.
4. When some one offends, upsets, is rude or anything along those lines towards me it is an act of generosity to let it go. Besides it is not personal and it never is....
5. Gossip destroys the human spirit....It is so easy to fall into it even at a Zen center. I am far better served to walk away with a closed mouth.
6. I am closing my mouth more often.
7. I now like to go for walks. When HH ( hottie husband) used to ask me to go for a walk I would say "No thanks, only poor people go for walks...unless it is on the French Riviera" . I had a bad attitude and felt sorry for myself cause I wasn't on the Riviera. (I promise honey to walk with you every night or whenever you ask. And I will be happy about it and consider myself a lucky girl to do so.)
8. Eating healthy can taste great. I just can't be lazy about food preperation any more.
9. When I am out in the real world I realize how much I miss all my stuff...say what you will I am happier having all my girly glittery things.
10. I am getting through this experience a moment at a time, which is the best training for mindful living. However, if I had to be here on a permanent basis I would throw myself in front of a fast moving car.
11. Even though my kids can drive me nuts at times with some of the stupid, thoughtless things that they say or do....I love them with all my heart. I am so lucky to have them in my life on a daily basis. Plus, I really love who each one of them has choosen to be in realtionship with. People are amazed at our family story...and they really think we are good looking as a family. (and here I thought it was just me that was the good looking one...ha ha ha ha ha)
12. My sister is really one of my best friends....thank God for her.
13. My husband is my other best friend. His and my sister's support of me and my life is truly endless.
14. I still love the sits.
15. I still can't wait to go home.

See you all soon...and I will be workin' my rock star haircut, 'n wearing an obnoxious amount of sparkles and glitter.

Rock on,
lotus girl Publish Post

H-E-L-L-O, Anyone Out There??

Wow I feel so abandoned by you guys...hardly any comments at all. Is anyone reading this?

Oh well, even if not it makes me feel better to write it.

Since coming here I have been introduced to a new word, a new way of thinking. The word is impermanence. I mean we all know "nothing lasts forever" , but the concept that when something goes, (i.e. waistline, hair, youth, fortune, love of one's life, health, etc. ) it is as it's meant to be.
I found this book in the library called "201 Little Buddhist Reminders, Gathas for Your Daily LIfe"
by Barbara Ann Kipfer. By the way a Gatha is a short verse that you can recite during the day to help you attend to the present moment. Unlike a mantra, which is the same for all occasions, there are specific gathas for specific activities. The idea is that when one recites the gatha, one focuses one's mind and returns to what they are doing. After finishing the gatha one is said to return to the task at hand with a heightened awareness. Gathas focus on the small everyday things of life and express how everyone and everything is connected. We spend our lives individuating, separating, making one another separate and distinct. Our minds are constantly writing the story of our lives. But this creates suffering. Gathas are meant to help us be in the present moment, stop writing the story, and reconnect to life and people.

The gatha for "awareness of impermanence" is " With precision, I watch the wave of impermanence. The temporariness of everything teaches me the principle of harmony. When I do not struggle against it, I am in harmony with reality."

Here are a few more that I am sending to you...

"life's basic suffering"
Suffering is what I feel when I want to be in a state other than what I am in-wishing I was elsewhere. Suffering is what happens when I struggle with whatever my life experience is. Instead, I take the antidote: resisting less, grasping less, and identifying with things less.

"working out a solution to a problem"
I seek to be grounded in calmness and moment-to-moment awareness. With awareness, I feel creative and see new options, new solutions to problems, and am able to maintain my balance and perspective in trying circumstances.

"integrity"
I choose to do my job and live my life with integrity,compassion, mindful observation and a healthy sense of humor. In both large and small matters, may I always be true to my deepest principles so that my integrity may be a gift to others.

and finally...

"mindfulness"
Mindfulness is loving all the details of my life. Right now, I come back to my breath with mindfulness.


Anyway I thought it was a pretty cool book....I learned something new and interesting that I thought I would pass on to you.


Yesterday I went for a run and ended up getting caught in a hail storm...ouch! But the cool thing is a woman stopped to see if I wanted a ride. I was almost back at the center so I declined but it was nice to see the outreach on her part.

Not much else is happening...same routine as yesterday.
I am a bit more peaceful though. I am practicing being in the moment....it helps given I am still in the habit of counting the moments till I am back home.

In peace and sparkles...
lotus girl

details continued

Okay so after the 12:20 sit...I then go to lunch where the first ten minutes are in silence. After I finish lunch I am free for the rest of the afternoon until the 5:30 sit which is done exactly like the morning sit. Then it is directly to dinner. After dinner I am free for the rest of the evening.
No talking begins at 9:30 and lights out at ten, however these two rules are very very lax.

Then I wake up and do it all over again.

I miss T.V.
I miss coffee.
I miss my own bathroom and my huge tub.
I miss my bed.
I really miss my dogs.
I really, really miss all of you.

To make matters worse my roomie from Seattle left today. I really miss her too. Good thing is that we will hook up back home.

I am getting by O.K. I have noticed that I do not like the free time so much. I am happier being occupied. So this week I am going to practice spending as much time with myself as possible.
I have already begun to talk less to the people around here. I am just being with myself and my thoughts.
I do go into town a lot. I have begun to visit this beautiful church, St. Francis of Assis. I LOVE being back in the Catholic space. I feel at home there and it reminds me of my childhood so much. I even found a really cool necklace in the gift shop. It is of the Virgin Mother holding Jesus...and it is trimmed in... you guess it...rhinestones! See the catholics get the value in sparkle and glitter. I scooped that right up and I wear it every day to the temple and everywhere else around here too. As far as I am concerned this place could use a little sparkle and glitter.

And finally today marks my 10th day here. I am a third of the way done with my time here. Praise God, Buddah and everyone else that is getting me through this experience. I see value in my time spent here but sista' it ain't easy.

I trust that you are all well. Again I thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

In gratitude, and sprinkled with glitter,
lotus girl

A bit more in depth details of how it goes around here!

Well I spoke to soon about the sanding and staining...that was my job all morning yesterday...Hated! I had to re-do my mani last night. Today I was on house keeping...so that means lots of toilet scrubbing....Yuck! Let me tell you I will never dread cleaning my own home again.

Something interesting took place the other day. I was in a conversation when the word "God" came up and one of the residents here said "that is such an awful word". I nearly choked. I had to count down from 100 to keep my mouth shut.
However, the next day I got my oppurtunity when I was alone with that person to let them know my feelings about her harsh judgement. I believe I was tactful and respectful in doing so. Funny how here I am in this ZEN community and lo and behold...the judgement is even far and wide enough to include "God".

Okay I thought I would let you know a bit more about how things go around here.... first upon waking you make a dash for the bathroom as at least 10 or so people are sharing it on any given day. You can only use it for about 5 minutes cause everyone is rushng to get to zazen (meditation). Next is the sitting. One hour with lots of ceremony. LIke for example you must enter the Zendo, (temple) left foot first. And you are not supposed to wear nail polish in the zendo either, but I do. End of that story.
Then when you approach your mat you bow to it, the turn clockwise and bow again then you finally sit. When the bell rings that is it...no moving. Then 20 minutes later you hear a bell you stand and then you walk very very slowly for the next 20 minutes in a very specific pattern. Then you hear another bell and you return to your mat, bow and then sit again for another 20 minutes.
When you hear the next bell you stand, bow, and leave the temple in a very specific way,
Next is soeji (cleaning of the temple) until 8:20. Again done very specificly. Finally breakfast, in silence, then clean up and then four hours of my work assignment...usually housekeeping. Next is the 12:20 sit which is 40 min facing the wall, no walking. Which I have to leave for right now...so I will post again later.

Lessons of Week One

Well I have made it through the first week. Praise Buddha, cause it ain't been easy.
I am sitting at 7:00 a.m., again at 12:20 p.m. and finally at 5:30 pm DAILY.....so anyone wanting to join in out there, feel free.

As it turns out the sitting is tough but it is the most rewarding of all. I always stand up feeling refreshed and renewed.

Being here in a communal atmosphere is challenging at times. Six woman are sharing a room now. My anal retentiveness kicks in on a regular basis.

I have however come to appreciate the grounds. This morning I was eating a breakfast of plain yogurt and granola outside in the sunshine while I watched a hummingbird eat it's breakfast. The place is full of birds...(sometimes they sing so loud during meditation. It is so beautiful) and it is full of butterflies as well.
With week one behind me this is what I have learned so far:

1. People are people where ever you go.
2. I have a hard time just being with myself without the distractions of normal daily life.
3. I take a lot for granted.
4. We are all the same, no matter how rich, poor, ugly, beautiful, fat, thin...it matters none. We all think we are not good enough.
   
5. Given enough free time with out my beloved T.V. (which I really miss) I will do the things I normally resist...like exercise, or heaven forbid take a walk or be alone.
   
6. I still judge everyone and everything and probably always will, and so do you.
   
7. I will never not sparkle and glitter. In fact if I am ever really sick and can't dress myself, I request that my daughter be in charge of adding glitter and sparkles to my bedridden wardrobe.
8. Add making sure that my nails are done as well as all tweezing to that request as well.
   
9. I am going straight back to coffee as soon as I leave this place...for sure.
   
10. I am spending more time with the people I live and less time alone or with my T.V.
11. Ain't no place like home...just like Dorothy knew.
    

Okay, I am off of work today ( and thank God cause it is a community work day and everyone else is sanding and staining window sills.). I however am outta here to go and explore Santa Fe and find something to occupy and entertain me for the rest of the day. And I get to preserve my manicure as well.

I bow to you in love,
lotus girl

Are you awake in your life?

Today has bee a little rough for me. I really miss home. The days ahead seem looming and home seems far far away. I talked to a lot of my family yesterday, and that just made me miss everyone even more. But today is July 1st which means I only have 28 more days to be here.


I am keeping busy as best I can. Today I was a gardener. Boy I wish I could see some of your faces when you read that one. There are tons of bugs here...HUGE beetles that look like cockroaches. Plus I saw yet another snake. You can only imagine my experience. Breathe, just keep breathing.

Thursday and Friday will be my first two days off. That means I will only have to sit one time, (my choice) in the day. Sleeping in is impossible with four other girls getting up and getting ready to go and sit. Plus without the work to keep me occupied I have to find an alternative to filling my day. Most likely I will wonder about town and visit some sights and take some photos.

I miss coffee a lot. In fact that is the thing I miss the most, besides my family.

The sitting is very difficult. My back and my left hip are in so much pain. But I have to sit so I have to be with the pain. On the days when the pain isn't so bad I really enjoy the sits. I can see the value in them.

There is a group here called METTA. They are comprised of people facing terminal illness, mostly cancer.
I got a brief glimpse of the circle and there was a woman in it that was wearing a wig and in a wheel chair. This pushed a huge button for me as I trip out at times that people have to leave this life in that manner. Of course fear overtakes me that maybe one day Cancer might choose to be in relationship with me again and that I was glimpsing at my future. I simply do not think I could face that. Then my next thought is what other choice would I have??? I guess that is why I came here in the first place. I guess that is one of the reasons I am sitting.

I feel for my family though in the event that I should find myself in her position. I felt for the gentleman that was pushing her wheel chair. I wondered which one had the worse end of the deal?

On the upside of seeing her, I realize how precious every moment we have with one another is. How trivial and foolish it is to waste those moments. It makes me think of all the time wasted arguing with one another, watching T.V., avoiding intimacy, and keeping ourselves separate from one another with judgements, incorrect perceptions and fear.

I imagine that all those little sayings like "live like today is your last", and " life is short, don't waste it" take on a whole new meaning for her. Her goodbyes where clearly not to far off in the horizon.

It really makes me wonder why it is so hard to wake up in this life, to realize what is truly important and to act from that realization. Then once you do wake up it is even harder to stay awake. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the woman in the wheel chair would take any of our mundane moments in our lives and turn them into a celebration given the chance.

Seeing her makes me want to live more full...more awake...everyday.

Sending all my love with a sprinkle of glitter,
lotus girlPublish Post

feelin' all your love

Thank you all so much for the comments! They filled my heart and had me feel all your love.

So far I am making it through...actually this place is funny if nothing, Since my last post I have discovered that the Zen-beings here are just like you and me. They gossip, fight, natter, and be slack asses at times. I guess it is true, we are all one. Oh yeah they cook using sugar (I pass on it though) and go into town for coffe and drinks...again I am passing.
A lot of them are additicted to ice cream and they go to town for that as well. Again not me.

However, the sits are BRUTAL...(my back is in pain) three times a day morning noon and dinner...but I can see the value I them in only five short ( long for me) days. The world shouls STOP three times a day...way more productive.

Guess what?.. I got another roommate yesterday and she is from SEATTLE!!!!!! Can I manifest or what. She is only here for a week but I'll take it. She drove here and I have to admit that it did cross my mind to catch a ride home with her, but I am not going to do it.

The one thing I am freaking out on is all the granola ways here. I mean they are seriously anti- fashion. I have had to have so many conversations explaning that a pedicure is good hygiene NOT a luxury. This place is really dirty too...(not the kitchen so much...thank GOD).
Until my Seattle buddy got here I was the only one with toe nail polish. Yikes!....this has for sure cured me of my slack ass sweat pants ways. Just not attractive.

The monks freaked out at how well and how quickly I can clean...I credited having had an Italian mother. They had to think up jobs for me to do cause I was finishing my assisgments in half of the time. The rest of the crew has since come to me and ask me to slow down. "nuff said I get the game now. It made me realize though that our business AND personal standards are really high. As a family we might benefit from dialing some things down a notch or two. It has also made me realize how hard I am on myself and my family, (sorry guys).

I spend a lot of time watching the "movie" here...it has become my entertainment. Lot's of Europeans here..and some of them I am really grateful they have choosen the Zen path 'cause they look mean and hard.

All in all though I have to say that I have learned somethings in the past five days. I am excitied to see who I will be when I leave here.

On a more sparkly note, I went into Santa Fe last night for some sushi (Zen kitchen was closed)
and peeped out some glittery things in the shop windows. I can't wait to do some shopping as I now know that I could live without my glitter and sparkels but why in Buddah's name would I want to? I never want to look like the starndard here...great if it works for them...think lots of fleece and even more Birkenstocks but I would rather light myself on fire as an offering than live so flat and dull...I can't wait to wear high heels again.

Santa Fe itself is like a huge Pioneer Square with alot more color. Lot's of Harley's...no helmet required. Cute shops but all in all not my taste and I could not live here.
It is a four mile round trip walk into town which I have been doing almost daily. One, for the exercise and two, to kill the time. The hills are giving my ass just the dose it needs....I can just feel those True Religions sliding right on.

Some things that are different about me now...

• The other day I was walking along the garden path and a snake almost walked over my flip-flop wearin' foot. I nearly passed out, but again I just breathed my way through it without screaming or running for the city.
• I eat plain yoguart now and I like it.
  
• I drink water and green tea all day.
• I am being with discomfort without complaining.

What will never change though is that I still tweeze my eyebrows almost daily and I am not giving up my nail polish...not even for Buddah.

Okay to Roderick...thanks for the post and the acnowledgement it meant a lot to read that and brought tears to my eyes. I am really happy you are Nik's best friend. Stay on your journey, for that is the path to freedom.

To Nik,
I sit daily with you in my heart for your life and for our relationship. It is my hope that time spent with each other when I get home will be time spent wisely for both of us. I love you.

To Nino...thanks for taking care of my little girl and for checkin' on the hotel room for me. I love you too.

To Bruno...your a slack ass for not posting to me, but I still love you.

To Autumn and Trystan...I love you both and I beleive that it is on your prayers and wings that I am resting...and being carried thru as this is not easy. Thank you.

To my dad...You are going to win the bet..I am okay and this was the right thing to do. Thanks for betting on me, I love you.

To my brother..you are going to loose the bet..and you should be the next family member to retreat here. I say that cause I love you more than you know.

To my husband...words could NEVER express how much I miss and love you... I am so lucky to be your wife.

To everyone asking and thinking and praying for me thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I get home I am throwing a HUGE ASS PARTY to show my appreciation.

Big Smooch to all of you...wear soemthing glittery today in my honor!!!! Besides it brightens the world.

Love and gratitude,
lotusgirl

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

well maybe not all the way gone.

But I am in much better spirits, thanks for all the prayers. I have actually made it through the first day and a half here at Upaya- my Zen retreat.

I will stay the entire time, this much I know now.

I have sat in meditation for a total of 5 hours so far. I cannot believe I am actually doing it.

It is wild how after such a short bit I just fell into this life...(I believe this happened because of all the prayers being sent my way) I wake up at 6:15 or so and go directly to the temple for zazen (meditation) for and hour. Next is breakfast, which open with a community circle and prayer and is eaten entirely in silence. Since I am on clean up for breakfast I stay and help clean the kitchen. After that we clean the temple and then it is four more hours of cleaning..today it was the River House, the main house and the palce where all meals are eaten.
After that I sit again for anther 40 minutes and then off to prayer and lunch where the first ten minutes are in silence. Then I am free...so I will go for a walk, then it is time to sit again at 5:30 for another hour. Again prayer then dinner which is also in silence for the first ten minutes. Then I am free again until bedtime.

Then I get up and do it all over again. I am trying to practice being in the now...but I did draw a calendar and I am X-ing off the days as they pass. Well at least the one day that has passed so far.

Okay the food...

It is really not all that bad. Some of it is not anything I would make or order but surpisingly I am making it through okay. Small portions adn never seconds....and NO desserts. I am actually blown away by the fact that I do not miss coffee ( the lunch cook today offered me a cup on the down low, which I respectfully declined HA surprised aren't ya!) or sugar.
I am more interested in fitting back inot my true religion jeans that food...I pray to God and Buddah that it stays like this for me for the rest of my life.


Now the people...

I have three roomates, all of whom I like. Two of them are my daughters age..(Hear that Nik???)
One has been here for five months...she is from wealthy NYC parents and is on her way to Harvard Divinity School. She is sweet.

The other is here on a grant for her summer break from college. She is really nice as welll and is majoring in religion.

The third is here as a "resident" so she will be here for at least a year. I really like her as well. This is her second time her as a resident. She left for a while, but found the world to brutal of a place these days so she returned to Upaya which she now refers to as home. I can get it.

I miss my life and everyone it back home. However I know I did the right thing in coming here. Thank you hottie husband, little sister and the rest of the team holding the fort down in my absence. I believe with all my heart that this is a magical place, ( it ain't easy, but magical none the less) and that I will be a better person, wife, mom, and team member when I return home.

Oh one more thing... I think I might very well be done with my Cancer-courtship too. In fact, when I get home I would like to be treated as if I never even dated Cancer. The kid gloves can come off now family.

Oh and so far...I do NOT think I would be AS happy with out all my "things". On my walk yesterday I saw some really cool sprakly, glittery things just passing by the windows. I plan on
picking up whatever I fall in love with at the end of this Zenitude. I am however happy at this moment.

Okay I am off to cut one of my roomates hair....what can I say they love me too!!!


Peace, love and lots of glitter.

Lotus girl

P.S. KW thanks for the hot pink gardening gloves. Sorry I missed you and them, but I am sure the new and improved me will put them to good use when I get home. Especially cause we are unplugging the cable when I get back. You are a doll to have thought of me. See you when I get home.

I think I am still in shock that I am actually in this reality. It is so different from my life, but I guess that was the point.
I barely slept last night. Things are just so new. People walk around all night to use the bath room and some of them have to pass through my room to get to it. The quiet is deafening.
Everything is simple here..simple cot, one towel, one blanket. Everyone is really nice, just really different. They even re-use cotton wipes. I mean they take waste very seriously here.

I woke at 6:15...and no one speaks until after breakfast, (about 9 am).
After dressing it was off to my first meditation...NO coffee...but I managed to get thru it. I didn't make too many mistakes in terms of ettiquette.
Then off to breakfast. Again simple. Oatmeal and tea. Then it was time to clean up the dishes. Next it was off to clean the temple and finally Roshi's house. All of which I did trying to quiet my mind.
I could easily leave now and catch the next plane home, but I am not going to do that. I refuse to let my resolve weaken.
At 12:30 it is another meditation and then I am free the rest of the day.
That is going to make for long days.
I miss everyone so much already. This is much harder than I thought it would be.
I hope everyone is well back at the salon...be kind to one another. I am telling you you don't know how lucky you all are. Prayers appreciated.

Lotusgirl

shock waves

Let's see where do I start? My plane was an hour late taking off so that means I arrived at Upaya an hour later than expected. I was greeted by a note and a map because everyone was in zazen(meditating).
I found my room...and put down my luggage(I overpacked again as usual)...and immediately sat down and cried. My brain just freaked out screaming "What have I gotten myself into?".
This is like communal living. Everyone here is so organic (translation no waxing). There is NO fashion whatsoever....but hey that's all part of it right? And to think I packed nail polish remover and nail polish for manicures, plus a moisturizing masque.

I am as far removed from my life that I could possibly be. There is no turning back though. I just have to tuff it out. They crazy thing is that I am more or less on my own...at least for now.
Tomorrow I will get my work schedule and from there I guess my new life begins. I have to be on the mediation mat at 7 am...

I already miss my husband so much that it hurts and I only have 32 more days to go before I see him again.

The roads are all dirt and the view looks barren so far. Hike? Run? I hope I can find my way around to do those things.

I am just trying to remain calm and I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be easier...by then I hope the shock waves will have diminished. Say a pray for me.

where ever you go, there you are

In a little over 24 hours I will find myself far from my home and family nestled in the Sangre de Cristo mountains in Santa Fe. My mind keeps screaming that I should cancel the trip and just stay here and be content. My spirit however is having none of it. I HAVE to go. I really do not want to go, but I have to go.

I'm not sure why I feel this way or what I am expecting out of this experience. I am going though and I am staying for the entire 33 days as planned. The rest I have put in God's hands. Man though when the waves of fear come up I just want to run...but then I realize that there is no where to run to. Besides where ever you go, there you are.

I am praying that God sends a fleet of angels to help my family while I am away. My husband (who is also a hairdresser) and my sister (who is an esthetician and our business partner) are so wonderful to insist that I take this time. We are so short staffed at the salon as it is.They both will have to take on more of a workload and deal with more of the stress yet neither one of them has a single complaint. In fact they are joyous that I have the opportunity to go away like this.

I have invited all to join in on my journey...to sit and meditate daily, to eat a vegitarian diet ( no caffeine) and to rest regularly. I hope that cumulatively we can cause a shift in our beingness and create a better world for ourselves and for those that we cross paths with. Even if it is just in our little corner.

In the meantime I will strive daily to not listen to the complaints, concerns and fears that have stopped me in the past. I know I have to accomplish my list of reasons why I am going on this journey. The lump in my throat is so hard to swallow, but it cannot stop me from putting one foot in front of the other until I reach Santa Fe.

So in my next post I will already be in the experience of my Zen get away. It is my prayer that I manage this journey with grace, that faith carry me through, and that I find something fabulously glittery as a memento of my trip.

love to you all,
lotus girl

all that glitters

so i just got back from an appointment with my oncologist...where I had to own up to stopping
the tamoxifen. All in all it went really well. She is ok with me being off of the drug, (makes me wonder then why I was ever even ON the drug to begin with??), but I have to loose the extra weight. She said that the weight gain could have been from the drug and/or the forced menopause that I underwent with the removal of my uterus and ovaries.
Let me tell you having a courtship with Cancer is brutal.

As of today though I feel like I have rounded the corner and taken the first steps to ending this co-dependent relationship with Cancer....
I am free of that nasty little pill. Soon my hair should stop falling out and I feel SUPER motivated to get my ass moving again.

7 days left before I take off for my Zen-Retreat! My camping gear is all over the dining table...as I check off the necessary items one by one I think "this has not really hit me yet".

I had to break down and buy some nail polish remover and pack it as well as two light colors, cotton and a nail file...I just can't do the bare nail thing. I am even going to offer the Monks manicures for their pleasure.
I am also not wearing or taking any jewelry on this trip...that is for sure a first. I have been trying to wind down on all the glitter and sparkle just so I don't go into shock at the bare feeling that I am anticipating.
You know all in all I have to ask myself what is so wrong with the glitter and sparkle? I love the jingle sound of a 14k charm bracelet...and rings are my things....then I have to remind myself that I was the one that was soooo curious to try life from a different perspective.
I am betting though that when all is said and done I break down and shop my way back to the bling in Santa Fe.

I can already see the sparkle and I love turquoise.

Some things may be better off left UN-changed!

Peace, love and glitter.

where the rubber meets the road

Turns out I decided not to do the Master Cleanse after all.... just too stressful.

But I started to run again. I ran Discovery Park today and it was the worst run, ( I use the term lightly as I walked most of it). I am soooo out of shape...but the new motto is to just move and keep moving as much as possible.

I am trying to get a jump on my new life at the monastery. I have 12 days left to try and develop some cardio endurance. I hope to God that I do not embarrass myself or burden the Zen monks on the mountain retreat.

I have been keeping a running list of the things that I want to achieve on this Zen-adventure...

1. Handle my death obsession.
2. Develop a relationship with JOY.
3. Learn self acceptance (except when it comes to "chubby", that I will never accept).
   
4. Meditate and like it.
5. Eat clean.
6. Gain mastery over my mind.
7. To break the following addictions: T.V., Coffee, Self Indulgence, and Food.
8. To confront my fear of vulnerability.
9. To finally admit that I am pissed off about Cancer having chosen me, or me choosing it.
10. To learn true gratitude.
11. To drop as many pounds that are humanly possible.
12. To really see for myself that "things" do not make you happy, cause as of this moment I really love my "things". The thought of not having all my clothes, shoes, jewels and comforts for 33 days is cause for a panic attack. I am however breathing my way through it.
    
13. To see what I am really made of.

So that is the list so far. Should be a hell of a ride...I told my sister that I might have to resort to killing small animals in the wild if the hunger pains get to be too much. I keep wondering what I should do about my nails as they are never bare and I don't know how I will keep up the weekly manicures. I am absolutely packing a magnifying mirror and my tweezerman's though.

I have never been alone in the world for 33 days. I realized today that I am such a cliche' Italian girl....I have been surrounded by family my whole life.

I was watching this video on death and dying the other day, and low and behold who was it but the head Roshi (monk) at the monastery. She looked right into the camera and said "this is where the rubber meets the road". She was referring to being at the monastery. I physically began to shake. First, because she just serendipitously appeared in the video. Secondly, because I say "this is where the rubber meets the road" all the time. Thirdly and most importantly because I am going there....right smack dab where the rubber meets the road.

desperation...

So I took a shower and washed my hair today...and again another handful of hair fell out.

Yet another gift from my brief courtship with Cancer was tamoxifen. I was on it for about seven months when my glorious head of hair, ( one of the my most favorite things about my self) started to fall out in fistfuls in the shower.
Finally, after sitting in the shower and crying my eyes out one day with my fists full of hair I thought "why am I on this drug?"
After two days of crying, researching and crying some more I decided f*ck it...I am not swallowing another one of these nasty pills. So I took myself off of the meds....
That was about two weeks ago and my hair is still falling out at an alarming rate. I hope it stops soon. When I blew it out if looked like sh*t...not to sound like an ingrate but I am a hairdresser after all and this is where I drew the line with Cancer.

So I have decided to start THE MASTER CLEANSE..I want to remove the toxins from by body...and I want to loose some fat. Saturday is the start date.
I have never been able to hang for the ten recommended days of lemons, maple syrup and cayenne. I only made it to day five the last time I tried this. I hate the salt water flushes.

14 more days and I am off to the monastery. I have to start packing. Today I really felt sad thinking about leaving my husband. We have never been apart for this long in over 13 years.
I have to go though...I am desperately unhappy with myself.
My whole life has been wrapped in how I look, how my clients look, what is THE look....on and on. With my Cancer courtship and his cousin Age..I feel like I am loosing my precious looks. I know I sound pathetic and shallow, but so be it. Can you imagine chubby and thin lank hair too...way too much for my brain.

I hope this Zen thing will save me from myself.

what got me here...

My life changed drastically two years ago.

I was happily trying my best to become as rich as I possibly could...while cutting and coloring the world...then wham! some how I got introduced to Cancer. Even though Cancer chose to court me, I am one of the lucky ones because our relationship turned out to just be a casual one. Just a few dates that took place on the surgeons table, and then a brief six weeks getting to one another at radiation...and wa-la Cancer left me.
Not at all unchanged though. In fact far from it.

Okay what is different you ask. EVERYTHING....

It actually has gotten to be that I can hardly recognize myself...no sh*t...a mere 35 pounds added on to my already 20 pounds too much frame and I cannot fit into one single article of my phat wardrobe. That has pissed me off even more than having to date Cancer.

Plus, as a parting gift to me Cancer left me with the discovery that I have the BRCA2 gene...meaning that Cancer more or less has a lifetime reservation to return for a visit at his leisure.

Now every ninety days I get to go to Seattle Cancer Care to check in and see if Cancer is showing any re-newed interest in our relationship. So far not.

My view on life is so mangled that I feel like I am in a fog and can no longer see the purpose. So I am off to a Zen monastery where I will live for the next 33 days to try and clear the fog. The bonus is that it is as if I am going to a Fat Camp...because I will only get three simple vegitarian meals a day.
The first ten days I will spend camping on a mountain 9000 feet above sea level...with no bathroom. This ought to be good...as I swore when my Costa Rican honeymoon ended that I would NEVER spend any extended length of time in the wilderness again unless it was the wild wild jungle of Manhattan.
After the camping trip ends I will be living a full on monastery life...of which I am unsure of exactly what that means or entails. I do know that I will be required to meditate for three hours a day and that I will have no way of watching T.V. I love to watch T.V. However that is not helping the extra poundage situation at all. So I have committed to giving it all up and starting life anew.
I leave in 15 days...and behind me remains my hottie husband and the rest of my family and all my old ways.

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