desperation...

So I took a shower and washed my hair today...and again another handful of hair fell out.

Yet another gift from my brief courtship with Cancer was tamoxifen. I was on it for about seven months when my glorious head of hair, ( one of the my most favorite things about my self) started to fall out in fistfuls in the shower.
Finally, after sitting in the shower and crying my eyes out one day with my fists full of hair I thought "why am I on this drug?"
After two days of crying, researching and crying some more I decided f*ck it...I am not swallowing another one of these nasty pills. So I took myself off of the meds....
That was about two weeks ago and my hair is still falling out at an alarming rate. I hope it stops soon. When I blew it out if looked like sh*t...not to sound like an ingrate but I am a hairdresser after all and this is where I drew the line with Cancer.

So I have decided to start THE MASTER CLEANSE..I want to remove the toxins from by body...and I want to loose some fat. Saturday is the start date.
I have never been able to hang for the ten recommended days of lemons, maple syrup and cayenne. I only made it to day five the last time I tried this. I hate the salt water flushes.

14 more days and I am off to the monastery. I have to start packing. Today I really felt sad thinking about leaving my husband. We have never been apart for this long in over 13 years.
I have to go though...I am desperately unhappy with myself.
My whole life has been wrapped in how I look, how my clients look, what is THE look....on and on. With my Cancer courtship and his cousin Age..I feel like I am loosing my precious looks. I know I sound pathetic and shallow, but so be it. Can you imagine chubby and thin lank hair too...way too much for my brain.

I hope this Zen thing will save me from myself.