where the rubber meets the road

Turns out I decided not to do the Master Cleanse after all.... just too stressful.

But I started to run again. I ran Discovery Park today and it was the worst run, ( I use the term lightly as I walked most of it). I am soooo out of shape...but the new motto is to just move and keep moving as much as possible.

I am trying to get a jump on my new life at the monastery. I have 12 days left to try and develop some cardio endurance. I hope to God that I do not embarrass myself or burden the Zen monks on the mountain retreat.

I have been keeping a running list of the things that I want to achieve on this Zen-adventure...

1. Handle my death obsession.
2. Develop a relationship with JOY.
3. Learn self acceptance (except when it comes to "chubby", that I will never accept).
   
4. Meditate and like it.
5. Eat clean.
6. Gain mastery over my mind.
7. To break the following addictions: T.V., Coffee, Self Indulgence, and Food.
8. To confront my fear of vulnerability.
9. To finally admit that I am pissed off about Cancer having chosen me, or me choosing it.
10. To learn true gratitude.
11. To drop as many pounds that are humanly possible.
12. To really see for myself that "things" do not make you happy, cause as of this moment I really love my "things". The thought of not having all my clothes, shoes, jewels and comforts for 33 days is cause for a panic attack. I am however breathing my way through it.
    
13. To see what I am really made of.

So that is the list so far. Should be a hell of a ride...I told my sister that I might have to resort to killing small animals in the wild if the hunger pains get to be too much. I keep wondering what I should do about my nails as they are never bare and I don't know how I will keep up the weekly manicures. I am absolutely packing a magnifying mirror and my tweezerman's though.

I have never been alone in the world for 33 days. I realized today that I am such a cliche' Italian girl....I have been surrounded by family my whole life.

I was watching this video on death and dying the other day, and low and behold who was it but the head Roshi (monk) at the monastery. She looked right into the camera and said "this is where the rubber meets the road". She was referring to being at the monastery. I physically began to shake. First, because she just serendipitously appeared in the video. Secondly, because I say "this is where the rubber meets the road" all the time. Thirdly and most importantly because I am going there....right smack dab where the rubber meets the road.