feelin' all your love

Thank you all so much for the comments! They filled my heart and had me feel all your love.

So far I am making it through...actually this place is funny if nothing, Since my last post I have discovered that the Zen-beings here are just like you and me. They gossip, fight, natter, and be slack asses at times. I guess it is true, we are all one. Oh yeah they cook using sugar (I pass on it though) and go into town for coffe and drinks...again I am passing.
A lot of them are additicted to ice cream and they go to town for that as well. Again not me.

However, the sits are BRUTAL...(my back is in pain) three times a day morning noon and dinner...but I can see the value I them in only five short ( long for me) days. The world shouls STOP three times a day...way more productive.

Guess what?.. I got another roommate yesterday and she is from SEATTLE!!!!!! Can I manifest or what. She is only here for a week but I'll take it. She drove here and I have to admit that it did cross my mind to catch a ride home with her, but I am not going to do it.

The one thing I am freaking out on is all the granola ways here. I mean they are seriously anti- fashion. I have had to have so many conversations explaning that a pedicure is good hygiene NOT a luxury. This place is really dirty too...(not the kitchen so much...thank GOD).
Until my Seattle buddy got here I was the only one with toe nail polish. Yikes!....this has for sure cured me of my slack ass sweat pants ways. Just not attractive.

The monks freaked out at how well and how quickly I can clean...I credited having had an Italian mother. They had to think up jobs for me to do cause I was finishing my assisgments in half of the time. The rest of the crew has since come to me and ask me to slow down. "nuff said I get the game now. It made me realize though that our business AND personal standards are really high. As a family we might benefit from dialing some things down a notch or two. It has also made me realize how hard I am on myself and my family, (sorry guys).

I spend a lot of time watching the "movie" here...it has become my entertainment. Lot's of Europeans here..and some of them I am really grateful they have choosen the Zen path 'cause they look mean and hard.

All in all though I have to say that I have learned somethings in the past five days. I am excitied to see who I will be when I leave here.

On a more sparkly note, I went into Santa Fe last night for some sushi (Zen kitchen was closed)
and peeped out some glittery things in the shop windows. I can't wait to do some shopping as I now know that I could live without my glitter and sparkels but why in Buddah's name would I want to? I never want to look like the starndard here...great if it works for them...think lots of fleece and even more Birkenstocks but I would rather light myself on fire as an offering than live so flat and dull...I can't wait to wear high heels again.

Santa Fe itself is like a huge Pioneer Square with alot more color. Lot's of Harley's...no helmet required. Cute shops but all in all not my taste and I could not live here.
It is a four mile round trip walk into town which I have been doing almost daily. One, for the exercise and two, to kill the time. The hills are giving my ass just the dose it needs....I can just feel those True Religions sliding right on.

Some things that are different about me now...

• The other day I was walking along the garden path and a snake almost walked over my flip-flop wearin' foot. I nearly passed out, but again I just breathed my way through it without screaming or running for the city.
• I eat plain yoguart now and I like it.
  
• I drink water and green tea all day.
• I am being with discomfort without complaining.

What will never change though is that I still tweeze my eyebrows almost daily and I am not giving up my nail polish...not even for Buddah.

Okay to Roderick...thanks for the post and the acnowledgement it meant a lot to read that and brought tears to my eyes. I am really happy you are Nik's best friend. Stay on your journey, for that is the path to freedom.

To Nik,
I sit daily with you in my heart for your life and for our relationship. It is my hope that time spent with each other when I get home will be time spent wisely for both of us. I love you.

To Nino...thanks for taking care of my little girl and for checkin' on the hotel room for me. I love you too.

To Bruno...your a slack ass for not posting to me, but I still love you.

To Autumn and Trystan...I love you both and I beleive that it is on your prayers and wings that I am resting...and being carried thru as this is not easy. Thank you.

To my dad...You are going to win the bet..I am okay and this was the right thing to do. Thanks for betting on me, I love you.

To my brother..you are going to loose the bet..and you should be the next family member to retreat here. I say that cause I love you more than you know.

To my husband...words could NEVER express how much I miss and love you... I am so lucky to be your wife.

To everyone asking and thinking and praying for me thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I get home I am throwing a HUGE ASS PARTY to show my appreciation.

Big Smooch to all of you...wear soemthing glittery today in my honor!!!! Besides it brightens the world.

Love and gratitude,
lotusgirl

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

well maybe not all the way gone.

But I am in much better spirits, thanks for all the prayers. I have actually made it through the first day and a half here at Upaya- my Zen retreat.

I will stay the entire time, this much I know now.

I have sat in meditation for a total of 5 hours so far. I cannot believe I am actually doing it.

It is wild how after such a short bit I just fell into this life...(I believe this happened because of all the prayers being sent my way) I wake up at 6:15 or so and go directly to the temple for zazen (meditation) for and hour. Next is breakfast, which open with a community circle and prayer and is eaten entirely in silence. Since I am on clean up for breakfast I stay and help clean the kitchen. After that we clean the temple and then it is four more hours of cleaning..today it was the River House, the main house and the palce where all meals are eaten.
After that I sit again for anther 40 minutes and then off to prayer and lunch where the first ten minutes are in silence. Then I am free...so I will go for a walk, then it is time to sit again at 5:30 for another hour. Again prayer then dinner which is also in silence for the first ten minutes. Then I am free again until bedtime.

Then I get up and do it all over again. I am trying to practice being in the now...but I did draw a calendar and I am X-ing off the days as they pass. Well at least the one day that has passed so far.

Okay the food...

It is really not all that bad. Some of it is not anything I would make or order but surpisingly I am making it through okay. Small portions adn never seconds....and NO desserts. I am actually blown away by the fact that I do not miss coffee ( the lunch cook today offered me a cup on the down low, which I respectfully declined HA surprised aren't ya!) or sugar.
I am more interested in fitting back inot my true religion jeans that food...I pray to God and Buddah that it stays like this for me for the rest of my life.


Now the people...

I have three roomates, all of whom I like. Two of them are my daughters age..(Hear that Nik???)
One has been here for five months...she is from wealthy NYC parents and is on her way to Harvard Divinity School. She is sweet.

The other is here on a grant for her summer break from college. She is really nice as welll and is majoring in religion.

The third is here as a "resident" so she will be here for at least a year. I really like her as well. This is her second time her as a resident. She left for a while, but found the world to brutal of a place these days so she returned to Upaya which she now refers to as home. I can get it.

I miss my life and everyone it back home. However I know I did the right thing in coming here. Thank you hottie husband, little sister and the rest of the team holding the fort down in my absence. I believe with all my heart that this is a magical place, ( it ain't easy, but magical none the less) and that I will be a better person, wife, mom, and team member when I return home.

Oh one more thing... I think I might very well be done with my Cancer-courtship too. In fact, when I get home I would like to be treated as if I never even dated Cancer. The kid gloves can come off now family.

Oh and so far...I do NOT think I would be AS happy with out all my "things". On my walk yesterday I saw some really cool sprakly, glittery things just passing by the windows. I plan on
picking up whatever I fall in love with at the end of this Zenitude. I am however happy at this moment.

Okay I am off to cut one of my roomates hair....what can I say they love me too!!!


Peace, love and lots of glitter.

Lotus girl

P.S. KW thanks for the hot pink gardening gloves. Sorry I missed you and them, but I am sure the new and improved me will put them to good use when I get home. Especially cause we are unplugging the cable when I get back. You are a doll to have thought of me. See you when I get home.

I think I am still in shock that I am actually in this reality. It is so different from my life, but I guess that was the point.
I barely slept last night. Things are just so new. People walk around all night to use the bath room and some of them have to pass through my room to get to it. The quiet is deafening.
Everything is simple here..simple cot, one towel, one blanket. Everyone is really nice, just really different. They even re-use cotton wipes. I mean they take waste very seriously here.

I woke at 6:15...and no one speaks until after breakfast, (about 9 am).
After dressing it was off to my first meditation...NO coffee...but I managed to get thru it. I didn't make too many mistakes in terms of ettiquette.
Then off to breakfast. Again simple. Oatmeal and tea. Then it was time to clean up the dishes. Next it was off to clean the temple and finally Roshi's house. All of which I did trying to quiet my mind.
I could easily leave now and catch the next plane home, but I am not going to do that. I refuse to let my resolve weaken.
At 12:30 it is another meditation and then I am free the rest of the day.
That is going to make for long days.
I miss everyone so much already. This is much harder than I thought it would be.
I hope everyone is well back at the salon...be kind to one another. I am telling you you don't know how lucky you all are. Prayers appreciated.

Lotusgirl

shock waves

Let's see where do I start? My plane was an hour late taking off so that means I arrived at Upaya an hour later than expected. I was greeted by a note and a map because everyone was in zazen(meditating).
I found my room...and put down my luggage(I overpacked again as usual)...and immediately sat down and cried. My brain just freaked out screaming "What have I gotten myself into?".
This is like communal living. Everyone here is so organic (translation no waxing). There is NO fashion whatsoever....but hey that's all part of it right? And to think I packed nail polish remover and nail polish for manicures, plus a moisturizing masque.

I am as far removed from my life that I could possibly be. There is no turning back though. I just have to tuff it out. They crazy thing is that I am more or less on my own...at least for now.
Tomorrow I will get my work schedule and from there I guess my new life begins. I have to be on the mediation mat at 7 am...

I already miss my husband so much that it hurts and I only have 32 more days to go before I see him again.

The roads are all dirt and the view looks barren so far. Hike? Run? I hope I can find my way around to do those things.

I am just trying to remain calm and I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be easier...by then I hope the shock waves will have diminished. Say a pray for me.

where ever you go, there you are

In a little over 24 hours I will find myself far from my home and family nestled in the Sangre de Cristo mountains in Santa Fe. My mind keeps screaming that I should cancel the trip and just stay here and be content. My spirit however is having none of it. I HAVE to go. I really do not want to go, but I have to go.

I'm not sure why I feel this way or what I am expecting out of this experience. I am going though and I am staying for the entire 33 days as planned. The rest I have put in God's hands. Man though when the waves of fear come up I just want to run...but then I realize that there is no where to run to. Besides where ever you go, there you are.

I am praying that God sends a fleet of angels to help my family while I am away. My husband (who is also a hairdresser) and my sister (who is an esthetician and our business partner) are so wonderful to insist that I take this time. We are so short staffed at the salon as it is.They both will have to take on more of a workload and deal with more of the stress yet neither one of them has a single complaint. In fact they are joyous that I have the opportunity to go away like this.

I have invited all to join in on my journey...to sit and meditate daily, to eat a vegitarian diet ( no caffeine) and to rest regularly. I hope that cumulatively we can cause a shift in our beingness and create a better world for ourselves and for those that we cross paths with. Even if it is just in our little corner.

In the meantime I will strive daily to not listen to the complaints, concerns and fears that have stopped me in the past. I know I have to accomplish my list of reasons why I am going on this journey. The lump in my throat is so hard to swallow, but it cannot stop me from putting one foot in front of the other until I reach Santa Fe.

So in my next post I will already be in the experience of my Zen get away. It is my prayer that I manage this journey with grace, that faith carry me through, and that I find something fabulously glittery as a memento of my trip.

love to you all,
lotus girl

all that glitters

so i just got back from an appointment with my oncologist...where I had to own up to stopping
the tamoxifen. All in all it went really well. She is ok with me being off of the drug, (makes me wonder then why I was ever even ON the drug to begin with??), but I have to loose the extra weight. She said that the weight gain could have been from the drug and/or the forced menopause that I underwent with the removal of my uterus and ovaries.
Let me tell you having a courtship with Cancer is brutal.

As of today though I feel like I have rounded the corner and taken the first steps to ending this co-dependent relationship with Cancer....
I am free of that nasty little pill. Soon my hair should stop falling out and I feel SUPER motivated to get my ass moving again.

7 days left before I take off for my Zen-Retreat! My camping gear is all over the dining table...as I check off the necessary items one by one I think "this has not really hit me yet".

I had to break down and buy some nail polish remover and pack it as well as two light colors, cotton and a nail file...I just can't do the bare nail thing. I am even going to offer the Monks manicures for their pleasure.
I am also not wearing or taking any jewelry on this trip...that is for sure a first. I have been trying to wind down on all the glitter and sparkle just so I don't go into shock at the bare feeling that I am anticipating.
You know all in all I have to ask myself what is so wrong with the glitter and sparkle? I love the jingle sound of a 14k charm bracelet...and rings are my things....then I have to remind myself that I was the one that was soooo curious to try life from a different perspective.
I am betting though that when all is said and done I break down and shop my way back to the bling in Santa Fe.

I can already see the sparkle and I love turquoise.

Some things may be better off left UN-changed!

Peace, love and glitter.

where the rubber meets the road

Turns out I decided not to do the Master Cleanse after all.... just too stressful.

But I started to run again. I ran Discovery Park today and it was the worst run, ( I use the term lightly as I walked most of it). I am soooo out of shape...but the new motto is to just move and keep moving as much as possible.

I am trying to get a jump on my new life at the monastery. I have 12 days left to try and develop some cardio endurance. I hope to God that I do not embarrass myself or burden the Zen monks on the mountain retreat.

I have been keeping a running list of the things that I want to achieve on this Zen-adventure...

1. Handle my death obsession.
2. Develop a relationship with JOY.
3. Learn self acceptance (except when it comes to "chubby", that I will never accept).
   
4. Meditate and like it.
5. Eat clean.
6. Gain mastery over my mind.
7. To break the following addictions: T.V., Coffee, Self Indulgence, and Food.
8. To confront my fear of vulnerability.
9. To finally admit that I am pissed off about Cancer having chosen me, or me choosing it.
10. To learn true gratitude.
11. To drop as many pounds that are humanly possible.
12. To really see for myself that "things" do not make you happy, cause as of this moment I really love my "things". The thought of not having all my clothes, shoes, jewels and comforts for 33 days is cause for a panic attack. I am however breathing my way through it.
    
13. To see what I am really made of.

So that is the list so far. Should be a hell of a ride...I told my sister that I might have to resort to killing small animals in the wild if the hunger pains get to be too much. I keep wondering what I should do about my nails as they are never bare and I don't know how I will keep up the weekly manicures. I am absolutely packing a magnifying mirror and my tweezerman's though.

I have never been alone in the world for 33 days. I realized today that I am such a cliche' Italian girl....I have been surrounded by family my whole life.

I was watching this video on death and dying the other day, and low and behold who was it but the head Roshi (monk) at the monastery. She looked right into the camera and said "this is where the rubber meets the road". She was referring to being at the monastery. I physically began to shake. First, because she just serendipitously appeared in the video. Secondly, because I say "this is where the rubber meets the road" all the time. Thirdly and most importantly because I am going there....right smack dab where the rubber meets the road.

desperation...

So I took a shower and washed my hair today...and again another handful of hair fell out.

Yet another gift from my brief courtship with Cancer was tamoxifen. I was on it for about seven months when my glorious head of hair, ( one of the my most favorite things about my self) started to fall out in fistfuls in the shower.
Finally, after sitting in the shower and crying my eyes out one day with my fists full of hair I thought "why am I on this drug?"
After two days of crying, researching and crying some more I decided f*ck it...I am not swallowing another one of these nasty pills. So I took myself off of the meds....
That was about two weeks ago and my hair is still falling out at an alarming rate. I hope it stops soon. When I blew it out if looked like sh*t...not to sound like an ingrate but I am a hairdresser after all and this is where I drew the line with Cancer.

So I have decided to start THE MASTER CLEANSE..I want to remove the toxins from by body...and I want to loose some fat. Saturday is the start date.
I have never been able to hang for the ten recommended days of lemons, maple syrup and cayenne. I only made it to day five the last time I tried this. I hate the salt water flushes.

14 more days and I am off to the monastery. I have to start packing. Today I really felt sad thinking about leaving my husband. We have never been apart for this long in over 13 years.
I have to go though...I am desperately unhappy with myself.
My whole life has been wrapped in how I look, how my clients look, what is THE look....on and on. With my Cancer courtship and his cousin Age..I feel like I am loosing my precious looks. I know I sound pathetic and shallow, but so be it. Can you imagine chubby and thin lank hair too...way too much for my brain.

I hope this Zen thing will save me from myself.

what got me here...

My life changed drastically two years ago.

I was happily trying my best to become as rich as I possibly could...while cutting and coloring the world...then wham! some how I got introduced to Cancer. Even though Cancer chose to court me, I am one of the lucky ones because our relationship turned out to just be a casual one. Just a few dates that took place on the surgeons table, and then a brief six weeks getting to one another at radiation...and wa-la Cancer left me.
Not at all unchanged though. In fact far from it.

Okay what is different you ask. EVERYTHING....

It actually has gotten to be that I can hardly recognize myself...no sh*t...a mere 35 pounds added on to my already 20 pounds too much frame and I cannot fit into one single article of my phat wardrobe. That has pissed me off even more than having to date Cancer.

Plus, as a parting gift to me Cancer left me with the discovery that I have the BRCA2 gene...meaning that Cancer more or less has a lifetime reservation to return for a visit at his leisure.

Now every ninety days I get to go to Seattle Cancer Care to check in and see if Cancer is showing any re-newed interest in our relationship. So far not.

My view on life is so mangled that I feel like I am in a fog and can no longer see the purpose. So I am off to a Zen monastery where I will live for the next 33 days to try and clear the fog. The bonus is that it is as if I am going to a Fat Camp...because I will only get three simple vegitarian meals a day.
The first ten days I will spend camping on a mountain 9000 feet above sea level...with no bathroom. This ought to be good...as I swore when my Costa Rican honeymoon ended that I would NEVER spend any extended length of time in the wilderness again unless it was the wild wild jungle of Manhattan.
After the camping trip ends I will be living a full on monastery life...of which I am unsure of exactly what that means or entails. I do know that I will be required to meditate for three hours a day and that I will have no way of watching T.V. I love to watch T.V. However that is not helping the extra poundage situation at all. So I have committed to giving it all up and starting life anew.
I leave in 15 days...and behind me remains my hottie husband and the rest of my family and all my old ways.

I