Almost a Year Later, and still reaping the bennies

Hi, it's been a year since I returned from Upaya. I can hardly believe it is so. I am sadly not sitting at all. I am way back into the main stream of my life, however not at all the same. So when it is all said and done I believe that my time spent at Upaya was one of the wisest choices I have ever made.

I feel and live life way differently these days. After a four month cleaning spree in my home where the goal was to "create space"....i finally finished my makeover with amazing results. Twelve walls painted,two of 'em black. Now thats a staement. 2/3'rds of our things given away, one Italian leather sofa, coupled with a new piece of Karen Kosglog 5ft x 5ft art and wa-la mission acomplished. Our new digs are exactly what we hoped they would be. There is alot more space and way easier to clean. A truer reflection of my new self.
Now it is time to do the very same thing with my inside space. So with all this new room at home I am looking around to see where to set up my altar and sitting space.
Thanks Upaya and all the Buddah-fairies for the guidance. All is not lost. I know my way home now.
in love and lots of sparkles,
lotus girl
P.S. I finally did tatoo "impermanence" on my inside forearm. Like I said I feel and live way differently these days.

Right back into the swing of things....

Hi!
I cannot believe that I have not written in weeks. I have been back home for a month now and it is rolling right on by me. I am still sitting, but hardly at all. Something I intend on changing immediately.
I am amazed at how fast we live our lives. I am having a very difficult time keeping up with all of my commitments.
I have stopped:
exercising
taking vitamins
journaling
juicing
resting
walking
and almost sitting
all in the last two to four weeks.

I have been overwhelmed and sucked in by the demands of my life...
managing :
all my appointments
the store
the finances
the offices
employees
my relationship (barely)
the house

How do we as women do it all?
I have to STOP and re-group and re-arrange some things here.

I keep falling into the throes of my mind.

I have however managed to:
at least sit, some of the time
keep my mouth shut more often
remain present a lot more
go for a few long walks with HH
LOVE hairdressing again and turn out some a#* kicking hair as of late
glitter and sparkle
journal a bit
love my obstacles more
run to a few of my aversions
withstand a personal heartbreak, regarding my daughter, gracefully

anyway, my point is that it hasn't been all failures and mishaps since returning home. I still get a tremendous payback daily from my experience at Upaya. It keeps unfolding.

I hooked up with my Seattle roommate for a dinner and Zen gab fest...heaven I tell you, to see her again was a slice of pure heaven.
Plus, another one of my Upaya Buddha fairies is moving to Seattle and will be rooming with my sister for a while. I am so excited to see her and welcome her to Seattle.

So, here I am right back into the swing of things. I do however know better and wake up every day with a grateful heart and a determined will to live fully and laugh much. I see the beauty in life a lot more. I miss Upaya SOOOO MUCH, ( can you believe it?) and I look foward to returning soon one day and bringing my little sis, and HH too!

I promise I will write more often. I have loved re-reading my blog...it keeps things alive for me and I hope it makes a difference for you.

Peace, love and glitter,
lotus girl

Home Sweet Home

I have been home now for a couple of weeks...gosh that cannot be right. I returned a different human being, for the better I might add. It will be hard to try and capture what happened to me at the magical land of Upaya filled with all the Buddah-fairies. I can say that I am much more aware of life and that I am much more ok in my life than before.
When I first got home things seemed so loud.
I am still sitting although not as often and of course not in the luxury of Upaya's zendo....but I am still dropping in on myself....

There is much more that I plan to write but for now I just wanted to check in and let you know that I am working my way back in to the mainstream of things.
Oh yeah...I bought a pair of Birkenstocks....in honor of my Zen-makeover. In my defense they are silver with three rhinestone buckles on each one....
Shine baby shine.....in so many new ways.
I bow to you in love,
lotus girl

One person can and does make a difference

I had the most amazing experience yesterday. There is a woman here who is a very talented artist. I am going to cut her hair. I have cut almost everyone of the residents hair here at Upaya.
I decided to do it as a gift to them. Turns out they love to talk about hair and I have even given two of them manicures...people are people, wherever you go. It actually was a huge gift to myself...I love being a generous person.

Anyway the woman who is the artist is from Germany...I'll call her Germany. So Germany wanted to give me a tarot card reading in exchange for her haircut. One evening I go to her room for this reading and she shows me her art...her amazing art. I say, "Germany, why don't you sell this art to these woman at the retreat?" She tells me how the featured artist at the retreat doesn't want to share the spotlight...so I say "let's sell them out back rather than in the front...away from the other uptight artist.."...I liked Germany's art better anyway.
Well one things leads to another and we set up a very informal showing. At the last morning of the retreat I make an announcement to the group to come to our show.
Of course the women flock to see her art and she sells way over a grand's worth....with invitations to come visit some of these women in their states and have shows for their friends. (Don't worry she is coming to Seattle for all you guys). Germany is so happy, as these residents live on as little as $250 a month and because people LOVE her art...plus she gets the experience of herself...a beautiful thing to see. And two other residents have some beautiful calligraphy and wood work that they will start to sell now.
Now check out what happens...as I am collecting a check from a young woman that is buying a piece of Germany's art I say to her " I like your bracelet. There is something to be said for simplicity." It was a very simple beautiful gold cuff. She thanks me and goes on to write the check out. When she hands me the check she also hands me the bracelet and insists that I take it as a gift from her. I was, and am floored. I told her that she makes me want to be a better person. I am moved to tears by her gesture as we were strangers to one another. Not anymore though. When I get home I am mailing her a big box of girlie girl stuff from our store as a way of saying thank you. I will never forget what her kindness made me feel. Can you believe her generousity? It has had me look to see"where can I give more?". She made a huge difference for me.

I am also in negotiations to bring my LS, (nails and skin) and my daughter (make up) out to MAKE-OVER the next women's retreat....some one has to handle the toe funk, bad hair and over all denial of self love that we women are so famous for...
Please if you are reading this do something wonderful for your body this week. Uncover and own your beauty...get down off of the cross...and for Buddha's sake book a mani and a pedi!

Next golden nugget that I have to offer...rent and watch the movie "THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY". It is a true story that will blow your mind. Seriously. BTW it is subtitled, as it is in French but please do not miss the message because of that.

I am going to a natural hot spring today with some of the girls here...as my time to leave is nearing and they wanted to take me out for a special day. (Sweet huh ) I am excited....I have come to love them and I will really miss them...but we "leave a piece of one another behind", as they will always be with me.

Enjoy your day today. Look to see where you can make a difference for someone. I promise you will be filled up and overflow with joy and it is such a "high". And I believe this is how the change that we all want to see in the world will come about.

I bow to you in love and light,
lotus girl

I am okay just as I am and so are you....unless you rock toe funk.

Okay...so I am looking at "did I get what I need from this experience?", and I would have to say yes I did. I got that and much more in actuality. All said and done I think I arrived at I am all good just as I am. Sure, the sits are a way of getting in touch with myself, watching my thoughts, allowing myself to rest. Fundamentally though I would have to say that I subscribe to Byron Katie...read all three of her books...AMAZING....the Course in Miracles, and of course God, (you can apply whatever name you are most comfortable with here, but for me it is and always will be God.)

I really love the sits...except with this women's retreat... They are loud and they move around a lot during the zazen. Plus the cushions are sooo close to one another that I cannot deal. I am not into big women's groups..I prefer the small and intimate or the one on one.
This occurs way more like a hippie fest to me than anything else. Birkenstocks, gray unkempt hair, toe funk, dry skin, make up free full on expression. Some of them talk really s-l-o-w and soft...it drives me crazy. And someone is always crying. They leave today and I could not be happier.

There are some people here that I have connected with and will stay in touch and then there are some people here that I cannot wait to say goodbye too.
There is a "priest" here who runs a group called "METTA". It is for people with diseases...like cancer. I asked her twice to join the group and twice she put me off...nice huh, very priestly of her. Right now she is in the kitchen and it is very early...people sleeping all around...and she is so ignorantly loud. I want to say something so badly, but this is my practice.
KEEP QUIET.....
She is one of the most unfriendly people I have met here. Sad, huh? I think she must be in a lot of pain. She has all these dietary restrictions yet yesterday I see her hoovering the chocolate covered strawberries like no end. Life is full of contradictions huh?

They best thing about the trip is that it is almost over and I am alomost home! HOO-f&^%$#@-rah!!!!! I have come to realize that cancer or not, chubby or not, hair falling out or not, I am really a very lucky and loved girl.
I have the world's most amazing husband...and my family is beyond extraordinary...even with all the drama and all the flaws I would not trade them for the world. And those of you that are my clients and friends make my life even more amazing. You are like the preverbial cherry on top. Thank you for choosing to be in my life.

Okay I have to go cause one of the women's retreat participant's is evil eying me for the computer...I wnat to be a f-u but I am Zen now....

peace, love, light and glitter
lotus girl

Put on a pretty pair of shoes for Buddha's sake!

So the women's retreat began last night. It began with a Dharma talk given by Roshi. She started the talk by asking us to take a look at the word"power".
Then she introduced the facilitators that would be leading the five day retreat with her.
There was a woman that stood up and was introduced as a facilitator...I cannot remember her name and there is no accident there let me tell you! The only reason I would want to know her name is so that I could avoid her like the plague for the rest of my life.
Anyway, this woman stood up and just started W-H-I-N-I-N-G about the world. Her "oh whoa is us...we are so screwed...the gas prices...etc. etc. seemed to be a DIRECT CONTRAST to power in my judgement. Her voice made me want to suffocate myself in the bowl of stinky incense ashes that lucky me was sitting next to.
To make matters worse, (yes it did get worse, hard to imagine huh?) she was a poet that wrote and read a poem dedicated to Roshi....I really did consider faking passing out cause being trapped and forced to listen to her was PAINFUL!!!!!!!

I tell you this has been such an enlightening trip so far....

Next, one of the residents here was telling me how Roshi told her that it is not good to be honest all the time...(can you imagine?). Yet during the talk Roshi specifically stated that the most important aspect to power was honesty. This resident was truly confused and saddened.
A lot of the residents here do not like Roshi and just about everyone here talks smack....
We are all the same. People are people wherever you go...even at a Zen center. One thing is clear though...gossip doesn't work in moving anything forward and I am really looking at how much I participate in it and why, how about you?

Finally, there are about 100 women here and I swear to Buddha that they have managed to wear the 100 most ugly pairs of shoes in the world. Why oh why does the enlightened path have to be so dark and desolate when it comes to having good taste? A women's retreat that is based on the power of the feminine has every woman wearing footwear about as feminine as a US Army combat boot. Do Not even get me started on the toe funk.....I just cannot go there.

When I come home, right after I get a pedi from little sis, I am wearing high heels for a month straight, no sh%&!

Big Kiss...

I've discovered a glitter I never knew existed...imagine my excitement

I will be home soon and I must say that I am specifically different returning to you.
It is difficult to explain the differences.
Last night a young man left Upaya. He had been here as a Resident, which means he lived here for a year. It happened to be the 19th year of his life. Can you imagine living here from 19 to 20?...3 sits daily...so much silence. It is a beautiful thing. Anyway, the Resident body, and Roshi all took him out to a farewell dinner, and they invited me to go along.
As dinner came to close everyone took their turn at acknowledging this young man. Including me.
The residents had many beautiful things to say to him with regard to his growth over the past year. It was clear that a deep love had developed with all of them during the course of the year.
Watching he and Roshi hug goodbye for the last time was like seeing into the eyes of pure love...no joke. I admire and respect Roshi more than words could ever express. It is in her space that the creation of Uapaya happened. It was told to me that she has a saying, "Soft Front, Strong Back." Clearly she lives it.
Later, I asked one of the Residents, "How do you endure these intense goodbyes?" and she relplied, "They always leave a piece of themselves here."

During this dinner at least six people asked me to stay longer, and to promise to come back. As dinner was going on I looked up at the long table filled with now familiar faces to me and was moved to tears. I was asked to come back and celebrate my Five year break-up date with Cancer. They assured me that they would throw a "big party" for me...in honor of my health.
They must have thanked me a million times for the haircuts that I had given them...I have never seen gratitude more raw.
As the evening unfolded two things occurred to me. First, on my daily walks into town I inevitably passed a Upaya member driving by me. They would always smile and wave big to acknowledge me. Funny, I thought how I am so far away from my home, yet people recognize me on the street and make it a point to wave. I have community. Secondly, as I looked into these faces surrounding the table I realized that my family is far bigger than I had ever imagined. You can only wonder at my surprise at this thought given my many judgements since coming here, and truth be told, always. I now understand "there is no seperation" like an experience.

It was a warm and wonderful evening filled with laughter and love and acknowledgement for one another. I have not felt this rich and peaceful in a very long time.

This morning I got to awake slowly as it is my day off. I reached for "A COURSE IN MIRACLES" and ask God to show me what I need to see. I opened the book to a lesson called
"Attainment of the Real World".

here is a piece of that passage...

"Sit quietly and look upon the world you see, and tell yourself, "The real world is not like this...It is not lit with artificial light, and night comes not upon it. There is no day that brightens and grows dim. There is no loss. Nothing is there but shines, and shines forever".

That is when I realized that Upaya has lead me to discover a glitter that I had not yet come upon in my life. That it had given me a small glimpse into the real world. In it's comparison, all other glitters seem just a bit dull.

See what I mean about the changes being difficult to explain?

May peace be below you, may peace be above you, may peace be around you.
lotus girl.